TOP 10 FOR REALSIES THINGS YOU CAN DO WITH CRAPPY BEER
#10 ATTRACT BUTTERFLIES.
Sprinkling small amounts of beer on trees and plants has been known to draw in these magical winged creatures. We can’t help but wonder if a splash or two of beer as a kind of body spray might cause a butterfly to land on your shoulder at exactly the right moment or follow you down the street like you’re Dick Van Dyke in a 1960s Disney musical.
#9 TRAP GARDEN SLUGS.
Do you have a beef with the slugs? They don’t really bother us per se, but apparently some people really, really hate them. If you have made capturing and crushing the souls of slithering garden slugs your life’s mission, you might want to put out a pan (or bowl or whatever) of bad beer and revel in the sadistic joy of killing small defenseless creatures of nature.
#8 FERTILIZE YOUR LAWN.
Will the fermented sugars and acid in the beer fix your brown spots and lead to a lush, velvety, green lawn that is the envy of all of your lame neighbors? Who really knows? But, there are some peeps on the Internet that swear by it (including somebody’s mom, a guy who calls himself “America’s Master Gardener”, and Bob Vila).
#7 MAKE YOUR JEWELRY AND POTS AND PANS SUPER SHINY.
Apparently beer is just acidic enough to work wonders on metals without tainting, staining, or scratching. Dab some on a fabric of your choice and just get after it. Will it smell like beer afterwards? Yes, it will.
#6 IN A PINCH, POSSIBLY PUT OUT A FIRE.
In all likelihood, beer is simply not as effective as traditional firefighting tools. Like, fire extinguishers, for example. But, if all you have is some cheap beer lying around and you’re looking at say, a grill that’s on a fire, what we’re saying is don’t just stand there - spray that sucker down with the beer. In fact, if we can collect more crappy beer through the bad beer amnesty program, we might have to rent a helicopter and spray some of it on the California wild fires. Actually, those fires are no joke. So stop laughing, you big jerk.
#5 LOOSEN RUSTY SCREWS.
Let’s face facts: you have some rusty screws. Deal with it. Put that acidity and carbonation in your cheap, crappy beer to good use by rubbing some of it on your sad, neglected, rusty screws. Then look like the hero you always knew you could be when you use your screwdriver to effectively loosen and possibly even remove said screws.
#4 VOLUMIZE YOUR HAIR.
Your hair lacks bounce, your hair lacks lift. Your hair is downright listless. Buuuut, wait for it….You. Do. Not. Have. To. Accept. It. Say it with us. Say it loud, say it proud, say it while flexing in front of the mirror. Now splash a little cheap swill on that mane of yours and get those locks as luscious as a Breck girl’s (Just Google it, dude).
#3 REMOVE COFFEE STAINS.
“But, how can I remove one liquid stain by making another one?” you ask sheepishly. Great question! Actually, no, not a great question. Just stop and think for a second. Scratch that. Clear your head completely and just accept it. Beer really will remove your coffee stains. And maybe it’s not our place to ask why.
#2 SOAK YOUR FEET.
You earned it, kid. After a long day of doing whatever it is you do around here, those dogs are barkin’. There is no shame in giving them a good old fashioned soak. Except this time it’s going to be in a bucket of beer. Maybe it’s because beer acts as a natural skin softener or maybe it’s that tingly feeling you get from the carbonation. Whatever it is, it’s just plain awesome.
#1 LULL YOURSELF TO SLEEP.
This one’s a folksy home remedy for insomnia. Hops, so the wisdom goes, is a natural sleep inducer. So, sprinkle a little of that bad beer on your pillowcase at night and drift off into la la land. You’re plumb tuckered out, buddy, so just relax, put your troubles away, and dream of a world where all you drink is really good beer.